Sunday, 12 August 2012

Psych nurse/Jehovah’s witness


Saturday-16th of June 2012


Sweaty body,
muddy shoes, walking feet,
home.
Thoughts a tangle,
float like sunlight,
like rain clouds
gathering
Calling me in.

Knock at the door,
phone calls un-answered.
I think twice, a third time
decide it can only be
mum
or a Jehovah,
open door.

Dame Edna glasses,
black pink fudge
hair and a scarf with strange patterns
greet me.

You, woman,
are the strangest
Jehovah witness
I have ever seen.

‘’Mental health, crisis team
come to make sure your ok,
so glad to see you’’

My life is a crisis
How am I doing? How are the meds?
Strange dreams,
build this reality,
a veil between here
and there

Who did I sleep with last night?
What gender does this body slip into?

How far is your body from mine?
Can I breathe you in?

 Good I say
(keeping my excess energy
to myself)

Making my anxiety less,
I say,
I say what they want
to hear.

‘‘And the thoughts of suicide?’’
Now how do I play?
‘‘They are there,
 My life is an existential crisis’’
 No pills can hold me.

‘’Casey’ she says,
‘‘psychoanalysis’’ she says
‘‘will help you resolve
 this crisis’’.

Resolve she pushes
the word   at me.
A resolution,
this system believes in them.
Tie your ends neatly.
Tie you up, bind you up,
boring self, know this one.

My life: hold on to it,
pull it all in,
hold it back together.

Eat your breakfast,
sleep well, take you meds
Hold still
you won’t feel a thing.
Don’t feel a thing.

Turn your love down,
your righteous rage down
slow down.
Hold down this body with your hands
name me,
make me normal,
show me my right mind
make me live here
all the time.

A resolution
will find me
lover, mother
by hands who know this body well
who belong to it
they can resolve this crisis.

I lie myself naked out for you
world.
To see for all that I am
all that I could be.
I will leave my shame behind

I will float free
with strange dreams to guide me.

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